-
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
Best?
-
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Solomon Short
Best?
-
Be not afraid of greatness: some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
Life is a tale told by an idiot -- full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire
Best?
-
CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.
Ambrose Bierce
Best?
-
The ocean is a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce
Best?
-
Et tu, Brute.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
Beware the ides of March.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
I like this place, and willingly would waste my time in it.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
Best?
-
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a- bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Best?
-
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
Robert A. Heinlein
Best?
-
Today my spirit is going to school while my body stays in bed.
Bill Watterson
Best?
-
I have plentyof common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
Bill Watterson
Best?
-
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
Jake Johanson
Best?
-
If my theory of relativity proves to be correct, Germany will claim me a German, and France will claim me a citizen of the world. However, if it proves wrong, France will say I'm a German, and Germany will say that I'm a jew.
Albert Einstein
Best?
-
Come what come may,
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
Things are neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
Kurt Vonnegut
Best?
-
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women are merely players.
William Shakespeare
Best?
-
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
Margo Kaufman
Best?
-
As I grow older , I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
H. Rider Haggard
Best?
-
We can begin by noting that the body prefers to keep itself alive.
John Tierney
Best?
-
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
Best?
-
Master your instrument, master the music, and then forget all that crap and just play.
Charlie Parker
Best?
-
Arithmetic is numbers you squeeze from your head to your hand to your pencil to your paper until you get the right answer.
Carl Sandburg
Best?
-
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams
Best?
-
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
Robin Williams
Best?
-
The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.
Betty Grable
Best?
-
If one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place... called Albuquerque.
'Weird Al' Yankovic
Best?
-
We put the 'fun' back in 'dysfunctional'
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
Hey! Whatever part of my mind said that, please cut it out.
Neal Visher
Best?
-
Half-full? Half-empty? It's not even my F@&%#G cup !!!
Neal Visher
Best?
-
One day dogs are going to rule
Tre Cool
Best?
-
A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk?', and I say 'No that's trendy!
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
Well, you know, I look at myself in the morning and yes, yeah I am a God.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
I never thought being obnoxious would get me where I am today.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
Do you have a problem? I have a gun. I'll shoot you. No problem.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
When some people talk to me, I can hardly wait for them to shut up. Like shut up, your a moron, I have nothing to say to you.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
What do you mean we walked around dressed like girls? They were our own clothes, they just happened to be dresses...
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
Attack your instruments. Don't let them attack you.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Best?
-
Everything in life is either Illiegeal, Immortal, or Fattening
Anonymous
Best?
-
Is this not a reasonable place to park?
Johnny Depp
Best?