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My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.
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If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
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I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
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I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
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The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
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California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
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An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.
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Do we really deserve top billing?
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
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Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
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Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
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[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.
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A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
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Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.
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