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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
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I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Keep thy religion to thyself.
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Its never just a game when you're winning.
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
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You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
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Hobbies cost money but interests are free.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
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