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Quotes by Robert Benchley

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  • It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
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  • A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
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  • Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
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  • Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
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  • I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.
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  • The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.
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  • Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
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  • I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
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  • Streets full of water; please advise.
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  • The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.
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  • The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
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  • An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
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  • Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
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  • Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
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  • There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
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  • As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
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