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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.
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If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
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You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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