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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
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I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
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Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
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The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
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An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
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Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
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An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.
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The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
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Spinnin' a rope is fun if your neck ain't in it.
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If studidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
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Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
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Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
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We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
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Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
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An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
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Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
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You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
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The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythicals beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.
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If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.
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The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.
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Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.
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I bet you if I had met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like.
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There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.
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We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.
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I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
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