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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
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For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
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If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
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We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.
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Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
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Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
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Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.
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