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How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
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The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
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Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
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Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
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Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.
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Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
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Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
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I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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The wicked at heart probably know something.
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Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ...
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There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
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The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
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I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
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Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.
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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
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I don't want to become immortal through my work, I want to become immortal through not dying.
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Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable.
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
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