Find Quotations

Humor

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  • If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
        Brooke Shields   Best?
  • Everything in this room is edible. Even I'M edible. But that children, is called cannibalism.
        Johnny Depp   Best?
  • When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show.
        George Carlin   Best?
  • Master your instrument, master the music, and then forget all that crap and just play.
        Charlie Parker   Best?
  • I like men who wear earrings. They've bought jewelry and they've experienced pain.
        Rita Rudner   Best?
  • If my theory of relativity proves to be correct, Germany will claim me a German, and France will claim me a citizen of the world. However, if it proves wrong, France will say I'm a German, and Germany will say that I'm a jew.
        Albert Einstein   Best?
  • Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
        Robin Williams   Best?
  • Mornings are wonderful! The only drawback is that they come at such an inconvenient time of day!
        Glen Cook   Best?
  • I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
        Muriel Strode   Best?
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
        Abraham Lincoln   Best?
  • When you're not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.
        Douglas R. Hofstadter   Best?
  • The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
        Margo Kaufman   Best?
  • Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.
        Douglas Adams   Best?
  • My Karma ran over your dogma.
        Unknown   Best?
  • If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
        Katharine Hepburn   Best?
  • Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
        James Thurber   Best?
  • Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
        Mel Brooks   Best?
  • Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
        Ellen DeGeneres   Best?
  • Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tries, and a touch that never hurts.
        Charles Dickens   Best?
  • I have plentyof common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
        Bill Watterson   Best?
  • Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
        Eleanor Roosevelt   Best?
  • A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
        Unknown   Best?
  • It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.
        Robin Williams   Best?
  • If one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place... called Albuquerque.
        'Weird Al' Yankovic   Best?
  • Hey! Whatever part of my mind said that, please cut it out.
        Neal Visher   Best?
  • I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
        Groucho Marx   Best?
  • I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood.
        Tom Hanks   Best?
  • As I grow older , I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
        H. Rider Haggard   Best?
  • Anyone who is different today faces harassment, whether it is in the way he dresses, or in the position he takes on important issues. And when the price of being different is a cold fear, with good reason, then freedom as we peddle it in our international publicity releases is gone. If and when it disappears, it won't be stolen by big government, the tax collector, or the Supreme Court. Fascism will be the people's choice. It usually is. We've managed to avoid it so far only because nobody nutty enough to give the people what they want has come along. Yet.
        Mike Royko   Best?
  • If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
        Woody Allen   Best?
  • Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they screw everything up.
        Danny DeVito   Best?
  • He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
        Unknown   Best?
  • My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a- bitch.
        Jack Nicholson   Best?
  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
        Mark Twain   Best?
  • The vision of a champion is someone who is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion when no one else is looking.
        Annson Dorrance   Best?
  • A room without books is like a body without a soul.
        G. K. Chesterton   Best?
  • The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
        Robert A. Heinlein   Best?
  • The way I see it, God put me on Earth to achieve a certain number of things. By now I'm so far behind, I'll never die.
        Calvin   Best?
  • PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
        Ambrose Bierce   Best?
  • If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
        Robin Williams   Best?

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