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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a few car payments.
Unknown
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
George Carlin
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We put the 'fun' back in 'dysfunctional'
Billie Joe Armstrong
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You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
C. S. Lewis
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I've never had major knee surgery on any part of my body.
Winston Bennett
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Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
Terry Pratchett
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The mere sense of living is joy enough.
Emily Dickinson
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If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work:
Robin Tyler
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For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
Terry Pratchett
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You know what I say to people when I hear they're writing an anti-war book? I say, "why don't you write an anti-glacier book instead?"
Kurt Vonnegut
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There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
Kurt Vonnegut
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Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire
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It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
Abraham Lincoln
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Half-full? Half-empty? It's not even my F@&%#G cup !!!
Neal Visher
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I'm not really a poet... I'm more of a person who puts words together in such a way that people applaud them because they can.
Sharcu
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The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Unknown
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Help you I can, yes.
Yoda
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My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.
Robin Williams
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The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Muriel Strode
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The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count them decide everything.
Joseph Stalin
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[Y]ou sort of start thinking anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.
J. K. Rowling
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Horace Walpole
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Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.
Yoda
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If you can't take the heat, get out of the gene pool.
Unknown
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A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project.
Dear Abby
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Just now when I said I have a crush on you you didn't say no way loser. I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.
Robin Williams
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A grand passion is the privelege of people who have nothing to do.
Muriel Strode
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Break the leg of a bad habit.
Puerto Rican Proverb
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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I wish my lawn was emo, that way it would go cut itself!
Chantelle
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I think you just broke my gaydar
Chantelle
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Is this not a reasonable place to park?
Johnny Depp
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The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
William Shakespeare
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Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.
Aesop
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The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.
George Washington
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There are many kinds of smiles, each having a distinct character. Some announce goodness, and sweetness, others betray sarcasm, bitterness, and pride; some soften the countenance by their languishing tenderness, others brighten by their spiritual vivacity.
Johann K. Lavater
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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Galileo Galilei
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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein
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