Humor

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  • Carpe per diem - seize the check.
        Robin Williams   Best?
  • You guys line up alphabetically by height.
        Bill Peterson   Best?
  • I'm an idiot anyway, but sometimes you feel like an idiot times ten when you're stoned.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.
        Edvard Munch   Best?
  • The quality of an individual is reflected in the standards they set for themselves.
        Ray Kroc   Best?
  • CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.
        Ambrose Bierce   Best?
  • The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
        Henry Ward Beecher   Best?
  • Never let your inferiors do you a favor - it will be extremely costly.
        H. L. Mencken   Best?
  • A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk?', and I say 'No that's trendy!
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • When some people talk to me, I can hardly wait for them to shut up. Like shut up, your a moron, I have nothing to say to you.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • "Age before beauty? I think that was just created so some old man could feel beautiful again. I bet George Bush made that quote."
        xxBrokenByLovexx   Best?
  • Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game.
        Paul Rodriguez   Best?
  • Do I want to change the world? To a certain extent yeah. It needs to be changed... it needs a kick up the ass.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • Well, there's no F$%@ing 'U' in team either!
        Neal Visher   Best?
  • I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.
        Mark Twain   Best?
  • I've got a twisted sense of humor, and everything amuses me.
        Robert A. Heinlein   Best?
  • Blood is inherited and virtue is acquired.
        Venezuelan Proverb   Best?
  • Between two products equal in price, function and quality, the better looking will out sell the other.
        Raymond Loewy   Best?
  • It's not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the doer of deeds might have done them better. Instead, the credit belongs to the man in the arena whose face is marred by sweat and blood and tears.
        Theodore Roosevelt   Best?
  • It could not be happening because this sort of thing did not happen. Any contradictory evidence could be safely ignored.
        Terry Pratchett   Best?
  • I consider it useless and tedious to represent what exists, because nothing that exists satisfies me. Nature is ugly, and I prefer the monsters of my fancy to what is positively trivial.
        Charles Baudelaire   Best?
  • Lust is the craving for salt of a person who is dying of thirst.
        Frederick Buechner   Best?
  • Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion.
        Maynard James Keenan   Best?
  • Just as it would be madness to settle on medical treatment for the body of a person by taking an opinion poll of the neighbors, so it is irrational to prescribe for the body politic by polling the opinions of the people at large.
        Plato   Best?
  • A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
        Jake Johanson   Best?
  • In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.
        Franklin D. Roosevelt   Best?
  • We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.
        François de la Rochefoucauld   Best?
  • Do no dishonour to the earth least you dishonour the spirit of man.
        Henry Beston   Best?
  • Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
        J. R .R. Tolkien   Best?
  • Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.
        Franklin D. Roosevelt   Best?
  • It is quality rather than quantity that matters.
        Seneca   Best?
  • The ocean is a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
        Ambrose Bierce   Best?
  • Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.
        Muriel Strode   Best?
  • WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
        Ambrose Bierce   Best?
  • Man is a gregarious creature, more so in mind than in body. He may like to go alone for a walk but he hates to stand alone in his opinion.
        Unknown   Best?
  • Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body.
        Oliver Wendell Holmes   Best?
  • I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
        Solomon Short   Best?
  • It's my fucking life and - you know what? - nobody invited you... so there's the door.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • All my religious beliefs are based on Star Wars.
        Mike Dirnt   Best?
  • What do you do with a lifetime of work? Face it in the morning.
        Iggy Pop   Best?

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