Humor

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  • Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all be put out on K.P.
        Robin Williams   Best?
  • What do you mean we walked around dressed like girls? They were our own clothes, they just happened to be dresses...
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • When someone is in a car accident and they're driving at 100 mph, drunk, who's tape do you think he's listening to at that time? Think about it.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • It's not obsession. It's passion
        Chantelle   Best?
  • Do you have a problem? I have a gun. I'll shoot you. No problem.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.
        Betty Grable   Best?
  • Its like a foot puppet but its not its just a FOOT.
        J.C. Bradley   Best?
  • There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction.
        Salvador Dali   Best?
  • Well, you know, I look at myself in the morning and yes, yeah I am a God.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • Everything in life is either Illiegeal, Immortal, or Fattening
        Anonymous   Best?
  • Don't make me get all Black Hawk on your ass!
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • You say it to my face, you might be pickin' yourself off the ground
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • No one's really happy anyway, it's not human.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • I never thought being obnoxious would get me where I am today.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • Attack your instruments. Don't let them attack you.
        Billie Joe Armstrong   Best?
  • One day dogs are going to rule
        Tre Cool   Best?
  • TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this _cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction.
        Ambrose Bierce   Best?
  • Arithmetic is numbers you squeeze from your head to your hand to your pencil to your paper until you get the right answer.
        Carl Sandburg   Best?
  • Oats. A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.
        Samuel Johnson   Best?
  • We can begin by noting that the body prefers to keep itself alive.
        John Tierney   Best?
  • Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.
        W. B. Yeats   Best?
  • ...Nobody ever gets to know no body! We're all of us sentenced to a solitary confinement inside our own skins for life!
        Tennessee Williams   Best?
  • Everyone needs a strong sense of self. It is our base of operations for everything that we do in life.
        Julia T. Alvarez   Best?
  • A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
        Clive James   Best?
  • A sense of curiosity is nature's original school of education.
        Dr. Smiley Blanton   Best?
  • Alea Iacta est... (the dice is cast)
        Julius Ceasar   Best?
  • I have a woman's body and a child's emotions.
        Elizabeth Taylor   Best?
  • Pride is a spiritual Cancer: It eats up the very possibilty of love, or contentment, or even common sense.
        C. S. Lewis   Best?
  • Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
        Peter Ustinov   Best?
  • I stand in awe of my body.
        Henry David Thoreau   Best?
  • Oh, darling, let your body in, let it tie you in, in comfort.
        Anne Sexton   Best?
  • What we're all striving for is authenticity, a spirit-to-spirit connection.
        Oprah Winfrey   Best?
  • Today my spirit is going to school while my body stays in bed.
        Bill Watterson   Best?
  • Common sense and sense of humor are the same thing moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
        Clive Jones   Best?
  • We have rudiments of reverence for the human body, but we consider as nothing the rape of the human mind.
        Eric Hoffer   Best?
  • Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labour the body.
        Seneca   Best?
  • The qualities which a man seeks in his beloved are those characteristics of his own soul, whether he knows it or not.
        Plato   Best?
  • Quality is never an accident.
        Willa A. Foster   Best?
  • A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
        Dwight D. Eisenhower   Best?
  • It is slavery to live in the mind unless it has become part of the body.
        Kahlil Gibran   Best?

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